Goodbye 2021, and thanks for the change! 💎

Welp, here we are! Another calendar year gone. I made a lot of changes this year, large and small, and I am very excited for 2022.

January started off with a bang because I resigned from my job, with notice because the arbitrary “two weeks” matters, I guess. I was tired of doing VP-level work without the pay, title, recognition, or an ounce of appreciation. Oh, I do not wish to be a VP or upper management, ever. That looks awful and I am simply not diplomatic enough to have a role like that - I have accepted that about myself. Nonetheless, it was time to go, so I fkn left and I am better for it.

When I have my doubts about my decisions or wishes, I remind myself that I’m a property owner, I’m now a business owner (see next paragraph!), I’m beautiful, and I’m pretty sure that means I get to do whatever I want in this country!!! 🙋🏻‍♀️💁🏻‍♀️😈

I know how to stay busy, so in early February, I got to work on my own consulting company. I got an EIN, I registered with the state, set up a website via Squarespace, got a business email account, and signed up for ($$$) a “Launch Your Own Consulting Company” course. As the months have trodded on, I’m realizing the personal things I need to work on in order to run my own business, versus the tactical things. Those “check list” items things I’m pretty good at. I look forward to continuing on this journey and cheer for myself, step by step by step.

It was also around this time my spouse and I found out he had been promoted at his job (!) and that new position would start March 1. I secured myself a nice little part-time, remote gig, and would start training soon.

With more hours for my spouse (“bells” all that first month! Then, a guaranteed start time, but no clue when quitting time could be), we had a good talk about what this would take for Matt to do this job. What we knew and recognized was our marriage was not ready for such a huge job before, but we were more equipped now. There was a time that I really needed my husband, and all those hours just weren’t going to work. But now, in 2021, since I wouldn’t be working as much, way way less stress on me (no commute, no mean girl shit to deal with at my job) I would be in charge of meals and things. This worked for me even though it felt like a huge betrayal to my feminism however, ya OK byeee not gonna pass up something that’s right based on previously held convictions. These last two years especially, I have had to remind myself that I CAN CHANGE MY MIND; IT’S REALLY OK. DOESN’T MAKE YOU UNRELIABLE, JUST HUMAN #THEHORROR.

It was a tough first month for Matt’s new job, and it’s been a tough year because of the amount of hours, but he’s doing well and enjoying it too! It’s thrilling to see my spouse achieve a long-held goal, and to continue to work hard at it. I do feel like a work widow sometimes, and we’ve talked about some things that fell by the wayside since March when he took the job, and thankfully have come out the other side.

Marriage can be hard, and yet it’s worth it. There’s the roommate side of marriage, which is exhausting in its own right, and then actual marriage stuff. Define that as you will. I’m very grateful for a spouse who is usually receptive LOLLLL to this work and he works off of his love for me and our marriage. That Love is our compass and our guide.

I love being married, I love my husband, and it gets better every year. We celebrated 6 years married in April, cooked a great meal, and continue to love each other ❤️

With winter’s thaw and my ‘rona vaccines received, I wanted to get hiking and get some more cardio in my life. Yoga and pilates and barre are great, but sometimes ya just gotta hoof it on a walk, hike, bike ride, whatever. It felt good to pack my little bags and go on a hike or walk down to the little gym in my housing complex. The gym was short-lived due to surges and the like and, mainly, I just don’t trust anyone! Outdoor activities are one thing, but sharing a room whilst breathing hard? No thanks, and no thanks, personally for me, on wearing a mask in the gym. I’ll just wander outside, roll out the yoga mat at home, and mind my business.

And like…..when it comes to working out, I hope to enjoy it for a while to come. I exercise to be active, not achieve a certain body type. That used to be my mode of operation, but no more. I’ve gained and lost the same fkn 20 pounds for 20 years now, it just kinda is what it is. I’m a size 9 shoe so I’ll never fit in to a size 7 shoe, and I feel like that applies to people’s bodies. Your frame is your frame, make sure you get enough water and fiber, it’s important to get endorphins going, and “Keep it movin’” as they say… Although, come the new year, I will strive to eat more vegetarian based. Absolute restriction is not my jam, so going vegan will never work for me, but I am up for the challenge of cooking and preparing more meatless meals.

June came around and my brother, sister-in-law, and their wonderful kid came to visit / use my house as a hotel as I have done to them LITERALLY DOZENS OF TIMES #SomeRegrets. It was a good family-QT-battery-recharge. My brother and SIL hadn’t yet seen our house in person yet, and it was important to me that they felt comfortable here.

Spending time with my nibling is just precious and I savor the time I have with them and the activities we do (swimming, making cookies, going to a museum of nibling’s choice), especially while they still think I’m mildly cool, perhaps even interesting. I will take the time now to shout out to my aunts, aunties (you know the difference…), uncles out there for spending time with me over the years. I take my own Auntiehood VERY SERIOUSLY!!

July came with my first plane ride in about 19 months to Florida. I went to go see a dear dear friend. It was a wonderful week and so relaxing and funny and truthful and just what was needed - straight up girl time, girl talk, and I loved it. I’m so grateful for the ability to have friends like these, to make trips like these and have all this time together like we did. It’s the really good stuff of life, and all the more important to savor when you can in a g.d. ‘demic.

I am VERY CLEAR how lucky I am to be able to have had the capital to do things like this. I even had a fkn job interview while I was there in Florida! A phone one. It went no where else unfortunately, but it felt great to have been considered, to use my thorough job prep outline, and just fkn go for something!! Another lesson to just try! I was so afraid to do that for a while, because you don’t want to fall flat on your face, but….that is likely to happen anyway, so just get better at accepting your mistakes because mistakes do not make you, and it’s not the end! I forgot that for a while. Talking myself out of and over from my perfectionism is an ongoing mind project (I wrote “down from” instead of “over from” at first and it made me stop! 🛑 ✋ This shit is nonstop!)

As I have said before, I am a Court Appointed Special Advocate aka “CASA” (I do not speak on behalf of this organization). It is extremely fulfilling work, I have been recognized for my work, and I hope it’s a program every American should at the very least know about. My CASA matter continued throughout the summer, and I assisted with some carpools to supervised parental visits. One visit in August went such that parents were late, so the visit was formally cancelled by the visit supervisor, and I had two distraught children in my car as a result.

That is the very short version.

What this incident taught me was 1) how strong my boundaries are (even when it hurts), 2) my CASA assignment means I serve a certain role, and 3) that role sometimes means being the Real Adult in the room, and what a heavy, awesome (as in powerful-awesome), role that is. You know, “Real Adult”, like the one keeping time, the one maintaining decorum and rules and processes, the fuddy duddy, the lame-o, the party pooper, they who can be fine with being disliked and/or disappointing people because of sound decision making - that kind of “Real Adult”.

The CASA case proceeded onward through early fall. Once its conclusion came to pass, I cried of course, for I was sad, yet relieved and proud at the outcome, and also because this case changed something in me. It took a few weeks to shake off and come down from it, because I realized that, yes, sometimes you are part of the crowd tasked with the tough decisions, with the knowledge that these decisions are going to upend people’s lives. HEAVY SHIT, YA’LL! Nowadays, “the kids are allright” as they say, and that’s the whole point of this endeavor. Bless.

For the first time in my life, I took a dream-come-true-trip to Hawaii in September! We went to the island of Oahu. My spouse and I booked this trip months and months prior in the spring when there was hope of everyone getting vaxed LOLZ. Things got creepier over the summer, Hawaii was getting more and more strict, but since we were vaxed, we went along with all that was necessary to go and visit. Hawaii is such a magical place. I really can’t wait to go back and visit another island. Like I said, we had to do all the things to log in COVID vaccines to go, bring our vax cards, and everything was worth it and went smoothly. An impressive level of mask wearing all around Oahu. I saw Pearl Harbor aka Wai Momi for real, in person, and as a December 7 birthday for me, married to a Navy veteran, and granddaughter to a Navy veteran….I cried LITERALLY THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS THERE! My mask was full of snot and it was fine and worth it all. It had been a dream to see Pearl Harbor. To experience that together with my spouse was ever the sweeter. I told him that we have gone on my other dream trips together, he said, “Dreams come true with me, baby 😉” awwwww he’s such a fkn cheeseball.

Who knows where we’ll go next! We do hope to pay off a lot of crap in 2022, so probably just a weekend away here and there instead of a huge trip.

Once the big vaca was done, back to the basics with good food, getting things done work/career development wise, hitting the new spin bike we bought, and winding down the year. Once I bought the spin bike and mat, my spouse upped the shit outta me and bought rubber flooring, kettle balls, a small set of free weights, and other accessories for a home gym set up. Since neither of us plan to return to an actual gym any time soon, getting that set up in the basement was key. I miss the routine of going to the gym, but our home set up has been phenomenal. Gone are the days of two-hour workouts for me. I remind myself that 20-30 minutes on the bike watching lord-knows-what on my iPad is quite a fkn cool lifestyle flex.

Once October hits every year, it is a slide in to the new year with lots of holidays to celebrate in this house. First, my spouse’s birthday, then Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then my birthday, then Christmas, then New Years. Whewwwwwwww! I love it, keeps it all exciting and busy, even in a ‘demic.

A college friend came to visit in November. The last time she came, I ended up in the hospital with a severe infection so that visit was kind of a bust, and we had some make up time to do! She came out here to heal herself since she wouldn’t be participating in the NYC marathon for the first time in a long time, and wanted to literally get away.

Whilst here, we’re hanging out at the house, and she says, “You got a nice ass life out here, girl.” and it was honestly kind of a shock because I have kind of lost the luster, wonder, and fantasy of having moved across the country to live here in Colorado. It’s been 13.5 years after all out here. But hearing that comment, after some years of thinking “wtf am I doing?!” (especially at work b/c I’m still, apparently, trying to figure out what I wanna be when I “grow up”) was a kind and impactful comment said at the exact right time. I am living other people’s dreams, and that’s the shit.

As November progressed, my spouse and I got our ‘rona booster shots, and we went to an NFL game (planned), and then scored tix through Matt’s work for an NBA game and an NHL game! It was wild and it felt super naughty to be out and about like that. Dare I say, it felt normal. Glad I embraced that while things felt at bit more at ease with this g.d. ‘demic. This ‘demic is like traffic on rt. 36 - even when you think it’s moving along, suddenly you have to slam on your brakes b/c other people have to work in tandem with each other and HAHAHAHAHA we are failing miserably, go team.

At some point or another, I took my diva cat, Sherman, to the vet. It had been a bit since his last visit. He’s strictly an indoor cat, but he’s closing in on 12 years old, his breath is stinky, and it was time for a check up. Sherman caterwauled all the way to the vet, sort of behaved-kinda-ish when we were there, swatted at the nice tech putting Sherman back in his carrier that he hates, and got scheduled for a dental work visit for end of the calendar year. When I got Sherman as a little furball from the Denver Dumb Friends League, I knew I’d possibly have him when I’m 40. We’re closing in on that prophecy. Day of his dental work, I was a bit nervous for him just because ya never know what can happen under anesthesia, human or animal! Thankfully, vet was pleased with Sherman’s blood work for an older cat, and all we had to deal with was one bad tooth!

Thanksgiving was great. Some friends joined us, which was a first and was just lovely! We’ve always extended invites to the misfit toys out there, and this year, we were actually taken up on the invite! Matt overcooked the ribs, but made a succulent, ridiculously good beer butt chicken. Next time I host, I need to learn to delegate tasks and let other people help. It’s just funny because Matt and I enjoy cooking so it’s not really trouble for us to cook for 4 instead of 2. Always a lesson!

Since July, I’ve had a lucrative contract, fully remote position with a local city’s IT department. It is the wildest intersection of my skills - legal, compliance, release of information, decent tech user. I’ll be in this position for another few months, for which I’m very grateful. My job titles, though, keep leaning “paralegal” when I haven’t done paralegal work for a long time, moreover haven’t reported to an attorney in a while, either. With this in mind, I knew my resume needed an overhaul so the duties truly spoke to the risk management/compliance work I have been doing. I am a firm believer in an up-to-date resume at all times! Luckily, because I’ve had 800 jobs, I have worked with some talented people along the way, and a former colleague offered up in a social media blast that she’s redoing resumes for an hourly fee. I finally took up that offer, and am super pleased with the final result. This resume is way less “boring law firm bullet point pow pow pow” and a bit more stylish and engaging, and teases out my accomplishments over titles and dates those titles were held. I’m not actively applying for jobs at the moment, but I’m always on the lookout, and feel ready to rock should a cool job post come my way.

As the year went on and I navigate wtf I want to do with this site and how to develop myself as a writer, I admittedly kept trying to recreate my Facenuts-persona energy. “Nothing’s changed! It’s still me! With one, tiny difference. Well, not tiny….” Thankfully this year, I read several personal essay collections - Jia Tolentino, Samantha Irby, Ashley C. Ford (granted, it was her memoir), and Nichole Perkins - that were engaging, deep, real, and so well-written I think “LOL WHY BOTHER”. In their respective essays/books, these writers’ themes and stories overlapped and intersected, and yet it wasn’t repetitive. There have been times on this site where I have said “I don’t want to write all about x.” But, I have accepted that’s unavoidable! If what I want to do is tell my stories, whatever those are, then I’m going to talk about bodies, eating disorders, values, principles, whack court cases, and all of that. How about write to write?! What I do wish to do is tell MY STORIES, from clearly my view and my experience, funny and/or tragic, and try to balance that with respecting others’ privacy (Ms. Perkins went in to that beautifully during a virtual author talk I attended). Your memories are not solely your own, after all. Anyway, social media and what not is performative, and I started this website to………hmmm, not to less of that, but do it without benefit to Zuckernuts, et al. Cheers and amen to keep trying on this writing front and love how it may work out!

I read about 29 or so books this year. I followed an online book club and then would pick another to read on the inbetween. I’m super proud of myself for getting back to reading fiction and the like. I’ve loved ordering from or going to a local bookstore and cruising the shelves. Can’t wait to see what other books I’ll read in 2022!

One of the biggest lessons for me this year is that some “problems” are not something to resolve, but instead something to manage. That’s such a hard pill to swallow! The reminder itself is a chore and project! One great thing about American culture is the can-do attitude - task masters and problem solvers. So, I can’t be the only one who struggles with this lesson, here, in that some things are something to tend to, and not wipe-your-hands-off-and-it’s-done.

I’ve also learned what my own definition of forgiveness is, which is from an Oprah podcast so it’s not mine mine mine, but stop being a dick and just listen: “Forgiveness is giving up the possibility that the past could be any different.” Huge prompt to let things be. How and when and if I reconcile, though, that’s another story entirely… 😇

Aptly, my horoscope this week (Astrology is an older practice than Christianity, so you go on ahead and pray to your Santa Claus in the sky, and I’ll have fun with my stars and planets) zips up the year quite nicely:

Sagittarius Weekly Horoscope

You’ve been grappling with the difficult knowledge that your time on Earth isn’t infinite of late. Your life can’t expand in all directions forever: As certain potentialities have become reality, others have faded away. You might grieve over the other paths you could have taken, but really, you don’t need to experience every life. Just one full, solid, real one. This week, try not to get too lost in thoughts of what could have been. Every time you make a choice, some doors close and different ones open. There are so many possibilities up ahead. Focus on them instead.

How perfect is that? That’s a great message all year, not just the last week of the calendar year, if you’re in to that Gregorian calendar thing of course.

2021 was not as bad as 2020. It wasn’t necessarily better, but it wasn’t bad. I’m very tired of this traffic jam that is the pandemic. Worst group project of all time.

Nonetheless, here’s to more books, more cooking, more of this good stuff in 2022!