Working on myself for myself
This is going to be a diary entry of sorts, so bear with me.
I am so fucking glad I resigned from my job in January. The further distance I get from all of that, the more I feel and know it was the right move for me. It was unworkable on many levels.
In the mean time, I know I know stuff, and it was pushing myself past negative narratives that spin in my head. Those old, tired songs that keep us in one spot, in one mind set.
I wrote on a few post its notes to hang above my desk in my home office
“<strike>Why me?</strike> Why NOT me??” [Can Squarespace please get it together on strikethrough??? It’s a pretty basic function.]
“I will be a writer.”
“Sit Up Straight.”
…little reminders from a more confident me, someone I know exists deep inside. I think of her as my own big sister.
But why deep inside? Why do I think this confident person is buried?
And it’s because I’ve let other people’s voices and comments drown me out. I’m not impervious to change, but I’m also not going to change for people I, hmm, how do I say this….don’t respect, or don’t make me feel good about myself.
I’ve internalized that it’s not OK to make other people mad or disappointed. Of course, I’m not going to go out of my way to upset someone.
However, I’ve decided to be a happy ass hole than a miserable hero.
This ‘demic, for me, has absolutely changed my priorities. I don’t want to work for anyone other than myself. If I can help it, I will work for myself, and then let some office find me a court me to work for them.
So, I’m inching my way to getting my consulting business off the ground. I’ve purchased a website for it, been getting the content just right, as well as watching a course about starting your own consulting business. I just got QuickBooks and linked the business account I opened up. Every little step is yet another step and it feels really good to do it. I’m working for ME now, and seeking to impress me. And my cat. And I suppose my spouse.
It’ll be a few years yet to undo the negative thinking I was swimming in for a while, but I feel ready. Maybe it’s age, maybe it’s the ‘demic, or may I never really gave a fuck and I feel free enough to shimmy around this life with that mindset out in the open.
“If it is to be, it’s up to me.”
